December 29th, 2021
Back in 2021, I remember being super excited for December 29th to arrive. Why? Because I’m a nerd and I was thrilled to see the premiere of The Book of Boba Fett on Disney+. Growing up, Boba Fett was one of my favorite characters simply for the fact that he looked cool. Young Michael always had a soft spot for cool masked characters. Darth Vader, Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Optimus Prime, if you were a cartoon character or a live action one that had a mask on, there was about a 99.9% chance that Young Michael thought you were the absolute coolest.
Boba Fett of course didn’t really do much in the movies and was best known for the longest time of falling into a Sarlacc pit. However, Season 2 of The Mandalorian came along and reintroduced us to the legendary bounty hunter. Readers, when I tell you my hype levels were through the roof… I mean… well… my hype levels were through the roof. When he’s finally introduced, he takes down so many Stormtroopers, that to me felt like he was taking out all the frustration of being a laughing stock in the Star Wars universe for so long. Just look at him taking down Stormtroopers in episode 6 of that season.
Soooo coooollllll.
So, when the Book of Boba Fett series was announced and was set to release on December 29th of 2021, I was ecstatic. I was constantly watching the trailers, checking out the social clips, just getting amped for the premiere.
Gah, how stupid I was now looking back on it all. Not because the series ended up not living up to the hype, that’s nothing but a footnote at this point. I really wish it was just that but unbeknownst to me I was counting down to something else entirely.
Wednesday, December 29th 2021 started off like any other day. I got up excited that it was Book of Boba Fett premiere day. Got ready for work, listened to a podcast on my way into the office, got settled in, and began going through my work for the day just like any other day.
Early that afternoon though I got a call from my mom. There was always a part of me that felt a sense of dread if I saw my mom calling while I was at work. She never calls unless it’s something super serious. Well, it turned out that day to be a super serious one.
I answered the phone and I could instantly hear the tears had already been pouring for some time. And through sobs she says, “Grandma passed.”
After we hung up, I remember being just in shock at first. I then talked to my coworker Tyler and told him that I needed to leave for a bit. I left work and made my way to my grandparents’ house.
I should say that it wasn’t totally unexpected as she had been in hospice care since August of that year but it still hit me like a proverbial ton of bricks. I remember during the drive to their house just sitting in silence as I drove. Didn’t have anything on, it was just silent. You think you’re prepared for that moment, that call that tells you a loved one has just passed, but no matter how much you think you’ve prepared you’re never ever really fully prepared. The moment it becomes surreal and different. In some ways an out of body experience. Like you’re watching your body take over to do the standard things while your mind is a million miles away. I’m guessing that was the almost shell shocked like feeling I had and my body was just going through the motions.
When I got to my grandparents’ house, my mom let me in and both her and my grandfather were just sobbing. I remember walking into her room and seeing her there in her bed. That’s when it hit me.
They left the room so I could be with her alone. I pulled up a chair next to her bed, took her hand into mine and just stayed that way for I don’t know how long while I cried. The tears just came pouring in like a waterfall. The emotions unleashed in that moment. I remember trying to stay quiet because I didn’t want to be loud while my mom and grandfather were in the other room. I held back and tried to stifle the cries as best I could. It was so immensely sad in that moment but part of me was relieved as well. Relieved that she was no longer in pain. 2021 was a brutal year for my grandmother, really the family as a whole, and towards the end it was getting extremely rough on her.
I would go over on weekends to help my mom with her because she became immobile in the end. I remember feeding her mashed potatoes and other soft foods. Joking/talking with her while I helped her. I remember lifting her up so that she could sit on the side of the bed to do breathing treatments and take medicine. In one of those final days before her passing I lifted her up to the side of the bed as I always had but on that one particular day, I ended up embracing her in the longest hug I had had with her in a long time. She couldn’t really hug anyone towards the end except in moments like. I’m glad I got to hug her for so long as it turned out to be the last hug I would give her.
After sitting with her for however long, I remember wanting to leave before the medical personnel or I guess the medical examiner got there. I couldn’t bear to see that. So, I did what any other sane person would do in that situation, I went back to work. Yet another stupid decision. I was useless when I got back. I did what I could but I was just a husk of a person at that point. I have no idea what I was thinking, I couldn’t do anything outside of menial tasks and even those were a struggle. All of the audio editing/production creativity was drained from my body completely by then.
It’s still weird to me to think that she’s gone. Even with this being 2 years since her passing I don’t know that my brain fully comprehends it all still. I still struggle with seeing old pics of her without tearing up a bit. I saw an old video of me with her the other day when I was 2 or 3 snuggled up to her as I played with my toys. That literally broke me. I couldn’t handle it.
I know we all grieve in our own ways of course and the time spent grieving is different for everyone. I understand that now more than ever. I guess it will get easier over time but I don’t know if I’ll ever truly recover. I guess I’ll be like most people and learn to live with it like a scar in a way. Slowly receding over time but it never ever truly gone. Still getting occasional aches and pains from that scar. I think as time goes on I am coming to terms with it but I don’t know that I ever will fully though. Is that bad? I don’t know, I don’t think so. I think it just means that whoever you lost meant so much to you.
I loved my grandmother with every fiber of my being. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we bantered, we did all the things. We watched movies together, we watched shows together, we prayed together, we ate together… I just miss her so much. I miss doing those things with her. I miss her laugh. I miss her smile. I miss her calls to check in on me. I miss going over to see her and my grandfather. I miss talking to her. I just miss her. I worry that I’ll forget what her voice sounds like. I worry that I’ll forget what her laugh sounded like. Gah this has me tearing up yet again.
I’m not sure that there’s an end to this story. I don’t know if there’s a way to tie this all up in a nice moment or allegory or something. I’ve sat and contemplated on that but I got nothing to be honest outside of it’s weird now looking back that I was counting down the days to December 29th. That being said, all I have in this moment now are the thoughts and memories of my grandmother. The greatest grandmother a grandson could ever have. I miss her, I love her, I pray I don’t lose the memories that I so desperately cling to, and I pray that I get to see her again someday. Miss you Grandma.
